The Paradox of Motherhood, Toddler Years & Moving Forward….or not.
- 6 minutes ago
- 2 min read
These past six months, I’ve been in a complete funk. Is it a third-life crisis? A hormone shift? I’m not sure. All I know is that I’m stuck in a cycle of "what ifs" and a strange, aching discontentment.
If you’ve been following my journey, you know my world revolves around my five-year-old son and my two-year-old daughter. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I was certain I was done. I spent 25 weeks nauseous, convinced that the thought of another pregnancy made me want to throw up on top of the throwing up I was already doing.
Then came the first 18 months of her life. It was, quite frankly, a nightmare.
My son has always been the "easy" kid. So, when my lovely little spitfire daughter arrived with colic and a year-and-a-half-long strike against sleep, my husband and I were at a total loss. I told myself—and everyone who would listen—that I would never do the newborn stage again.
The Shift
Fast forward to this Winter, and I’m facing a reality I didn’t see coming: I want another baby.
Do I want to be pregnant? No. Give birth? No. Stay home full-time with a newborn? Not at all. But I am absolutely yearning for another toddler, a larger family. I want to give my son a brother and my daughter a sister. I want the big, chaotic family.
These little humans are the best thing that has ever happened to me.
The Tug-of-War
I find myself asking: Why can’t I just be content?
For years, I was so tired of the stay-at-home-mom grind. I was bored of the library trips, the powerhouse, gymnastics open gyms, the tantrums, being tied down with breastfeeding. I craved independence. I craved a five-second conversation without an interruption or a car trip without a meltdown.
And yet, I would give everything up to do it all over again if it meant keeping them this age forever.
2026 was supposed to be my "breakout" year. I’m launching my business, Babies and Blooms, combining my two loves: birth work and farming. My body finally feels like mine again (mostly). I’m heading toward the independence I dreamed of for years.
But every night, when I tuck Ollie and Olivia in, all I want to do is turn back time.
Where Do I Go From Here?
Everyone older and "wiser" tells me to just "cherish the moment." But how do you cherish a sunset when you’re already mourning the dark? I’m not excited for them to grow up. I dread the teenage years. I can’t imagine them ever leaving me.
My brain’s only solution? Just keep having more kids.
Is it a good solution? Probably not. Is it realistic? No. You can’t get the two-year-old without the pregnancy and the newborn survival mode. So, I’m stuck in the middle. I’m standing on the edge of a new professional chapter I love, while looking back at my babies and crying because the clock won't stop ticking.
Am I the only one who feels this way? How do you move forward into your "new" life when you aren't ready to let go of the old one?
Kelly Skaggs, Certified Lactation Consultant, Doula and mother
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